Enjoy

I just read a very funny article in the Times. I laughed out loud it was so funny. I am sure you would love it.

That's why I’m not sending it to you.

I’m doing you a favor.  I don't want to burden you with another email. Since I interpret  an email from a friend with a link as a command, I figure you do too.  ”Read Me,” it seems to scream. It’s from a friend. Courtesy demands a reading. If I don't read it or put off looking at it, the thing just sits there in my inbox reminding me that it is waiting to be read. This was fine back in the day. I liked getting jokes and cartoons and interesting articles from my friends. But nowadays I am getting way too many of them. I’m guessing you are too.

Yesterday I received 29 messages from the Democrats, 17 ads, three jokes, two links to You Tube and a bill from Lord and Taylor for $00. Why would they send me a bill for nothing? Just to remind me that I was bad last month and didn't buy anything from them?  I mean the whole thing is a kind of giant guilt trip. As a graduate of Catholic schools, I just can’t take the stress.

Or I get those icky ones about aging. I don't get many sexy jokes. I wonder why? But at least I am spared figuring out how to respond. What would I say? “Thanks Sally for that really blue story, I love jokes about aging fat bodies up to no good in nursing homes.” A benefit of having friends who were also schooled by nuns: We don't tell dirty jokes- often. Or at least where there will be a permanent record.

If I read the jokes and don't like them I lie and say how funny they were. If I ignore the message I feel bad about that too. Frequently I love the jokes but the tension when I see “This is great you’ll love it”, is just too much. And I get repeats of jokes I didn’t like in the first place.

When the senders say “Enjoy” I get really nervous, what if I don't? I childishly resent being told to enjoy. I remember my Dad saying “Taste this you’ll enjoy it.” I never did. Looking at his expectant face as he handed me a tasty bite of perfectly sautéed squid or octopus, I was able to pretend I enjoyed it except when I gagged.

I won’t go into why I recently got off Facebook. I don't want to share or be shared with anymore. I am very fond of my cousin Malcolm who lives in England, but how many pictures of his local soccer team do I need? Every once in a while there’s is a nice shot of his house or his dog even his wife, but mostly it’s that soccer team.

Nor do I want to be Linkedin. I seem to get endorsed by a lot of people. I love getting endorsed but don't quite get why.  Are they getting endorsed by me? At first I was pleased but now I realize I just don't get it. Why am I even on the darned thing? Because someone invited me to join. I can’t resist an invitation and I certainly endorse the idea of endorsing, but all this endorsing is beginning to feel more like an imposition than an endorsement.

So that’s why you aren’t getting that really hilarious article I just read.  

Sorry.

But then I’m not sending you this either.

Aren’t I a true friend?