ASPCV

                                                            ASPCV

To: Paula Thesing

c/o Blogspot.com

October 5, 2014

Dear Madam:

It has come to our attention that you have published a slanderous article attacking the vegetable kale. We demand that you remove said article from public view on your blog or anywhere else.

If you refuse to comply with this request, legal action will be taken.

Sincerely,

ASPCV

                                                                                                17 W. 16^th St.

                                                                                                New York, N.Y. 10011

Dear ASPCV:

I have just read your accusations and threats, which I fail to take seriously. By the way,

What does ASPCV stand for?

Yours truly,

Paula Thesing

Dear Madam:

Not too surprising that you haven’t heard of us. We are The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vegetables.

Sincerely,

ASPCV

Dear ASPCV:

This is very funny. I can’t decide which of my friends is behind this. The Vegetable Police: I love it.

Yours,                         

P. Thesing

Madam:

There is no reason for levity. This exchange is beside the point. You are attempting to influence the public. The need for green leafy vegetables in our diet has been scientifically proven. It is a fact. We stand united in our determination to defend innocent vegetables from people like you who carelessly attack their rights to exist as life forces. We speak for the kale. Who else is going to?

We repeat, unless you comply, legal action will be taken.  You don't want to do that, do you?      

Urgently,

ASPCV

To ASPCV:

Maybe I do. I am entitled to my own opinion. I can say whatever I darn well please about any vegetable. What if I said I don't like liver? Would the meat police be after me? This is crazy. Whoever said vegetables had rights? Where’s it written in the constitution? Why am I arguing with you?

P. Thesing

Look Lady:

You can say whatever you want in private, but when you speak in a public forum you must be responsible for your statements. For your information, a case was brought against Paula Deen by the CACF for promoting the overuse of mayonnaise. Do you see her on TV anymore?

ASPCV

Hey ASPCV:

This is ridiculous! Paula Deen went off the air for being racist, not for the unhealthy cooking she pushed. I have to know, what does the CACF stand for?

                                                                                                P.T.

My Dear:

“Citizens Against the Consumption of Fat” of course. What rock have you been under?

ASPCV

Snide Vegetable Groupies:

Come on. I didn't tell anybody else not to eat kale. I just stated the fact that I think it stinks.

Mrs. Thesing to you

Madam:

There you go again! Have you no sense of restraint?

                                                                                                Protectors of Vegetables

Dear Protectors:

Actually, I am quite happy to receive your complaint because I truly believed no one read my blog outside of family and a few close friends who have blogs of their own.

Happy Blogger

Madam:

What do you expect with a provocative name like Heroine Addiction? You don't naively believe the DEA hasn’t been checking your posts too, do you?

                                                                                                Righteously,                                                                                                                            ASPCV

Veggie Nuts:

Aw come on guys, you are the first to respond to my blog. And you weren’t even nice enough to put it on the comments page. All I’ve wanted was a few comments.

Your friend,

Paula

Madam:

You do even know what DEA stands for?

ASPCV

Dear ASPCV:

DEA?  Don't Eat Animals?

                                                                                                Paula

Dear Smart mouth:

Come to your senses. You will have to hire lawyers to defend yourself against out suit. This could ruin you financially. Really all you have to do is remove that one silly post. You will be hearing from our lawyers.

                                                                                                ASPCV

Dear Veggie Loonies:

Wow, I always hoped someone out there was reading my blog.

Please, please sue me. It's the best publicity I could hope for.

P

Madam:

Our lawyers will be in contact.

                                                                                                ASPCV

Nutcakes:

Send them in. Meanwhile with all the people who will now be reading my blog I will take on other hateful vegetables. I will tell the truth about those Brussels sprouts little children have been forced to eat down through the centuries. And lima beans and Swiss chard! Mustard greens be damned.  I can hardly wait. Thanks to you and your crazy lawsuit I have finally discovered my life’s purpose. Inedible vegetables and those who force them down the throats of the innocent eaters beware. I am ready to defend my right to hate them to my last dish of peas.

                                                                                                Thankfully,

                                                                                                Paula Thesing