Saturdays in December

“I don't know what I am going to do with myself tomorrow, Pauler.”

“You don't?”

“It's the first Saturday since August when there will be no football games.”

“Poor lamb.”

“I’m desolate. Just think, not one college football game until the Bowls after Christmas, I’m bereft!”

“I know what we could do to take you mind off your sorrows, we could go shopping! Christmas is just around the corner. We could shop together. It would be fun.”

Silence. Complete and utter silence.

“Shopping in New York City is an adventure. It’s a worldwide attraction. You think all those tourists come to NYC for the history? Not on your tintype. They come here to shop.”

“Terrific.”

“Why Macy's attracts 20 million visitors a year while the Statue of Liberty gets less than four.”

“Who cares.”

“Just think about Macy's. It’s still the world largest department store.

You know that statue in Straus Park? Why it’s dedicated to former owners Isidor and Ida Straus who died in each other’s arms on the Titanic. Isn’t that sweet?”

“Sweet. Yes.”

“Oh Jim, think of the sacred shopping traditions observed each year! And we could actually participate in the most revered! We are right in time to share in the Christmas rituals of buying presents for our loved ones.”

“You've got to be kidding.”

“There are so many rituals. Too bad we missed Black Friday.”

“Isn’t that Black Tuesday?”

“No that s when the stock market fell. We observe Black Friday to prevent that ever happening again.”

Small groan. “ I don't care anything about this. You know I hate shopping.

I can’t bear to enter a department store!”

“I can tell you where to find the most charming boutiques in the Village very near English teashops and small patisseries. “

“I m watching the news. You can stop now.”

“You would love Chelsea Market! It's located in a renovated factory. It retains all the amazing ancient equipment  beautifully preserved just for shoppers to look at. And there’s a butcher shop there named Dickson just like my mother’s family. And I know how fond you are of them. We could have our picture taken under the sign and send it home to Ohio.”

“This is ridiculous! Why are you carrying on like this?”

“Gee, I can’t imagine.”

Driving

A friend of mine, in fact two friends, have told me that I drive like a man. Each of them said the same thing. I am apparently a road jock, who drives aggressively and refuses to ask for directions.

Frankly I am thrilled. I have never been accused of being aggressive before. I kind of like it.

And as to driving like a man, what exactly does that mean? Is that good? Or does it just mean being comfortable behind a wheel?

“It must be because you are from the Midwest where everyone starts driving at the age of three,” my friends suggest. “And what’s with this driving a stick shift car? Here in New York we women don't learn to drive until we are at least 40. And who drives stick these days?”

“Oh yes I started driving as soon as I could see over the steering wheel,” I tell them.

“When Daddy picked me up after school in his truck, he would let me operate the big gearshift on the floor while he did the clutch part. He taught me to listen to the sound of the engine to tell me when to shift to next gear. It’s really easy once you get the hang of it.

“But I never drove a car by myself until was at least 12. I drove up and down our street, just to get the feel for it. There were no cars parked on the street, it was safe.”

“Sure, sure,” they say, and shake their heads knowingly.

I didn't tell them that I had to take the driving test over and over because I just couldn't seem to learn to parallel park. It took a move to NYC to teach me.  At first I would drive around and around until I found a spot I could nose into. After a few months of that, desperation taught me to parallel park

As far as not asking directions, I don't seek directions because I have never been able to remember what I was told. Go 5 or 6 blocks and turn right at the light, look for the blue house or was it a red house, then four more blocks where you’ll see a gas station, or was it a post office?

I bought lots of maps to help me get around.

New Jersey is especially difficult. Entering NJ from the George Washington Bridge, you are faced with dozens of routes, Palisades Parkway, Routes 1, 4, 9, 17, 46, 80, 95 and the NJ Turnpike. The exit lanes seem to change from left to right without any warning. It’s very easy to mess up and not have a clue about how to remedy the situation. And when I do give in and ask directions, I don't remember what I was told. My only salvation is to see a mall. I can always figure out my way to and from a major department store.

Queens is difficult for the opposite reason: On maps, the highways are listed by number but when you are actually driving on them there isn’t a route number in sight. Just the names and they all sound alike: LIE, Grand Central Parkway, Belt Parkway, Van Wyck, Jackie Robinson. The exits make it easy to turn around and go back. But if you do get on the wrong road there is a traffic jam and it takes forever to reach that nice exit.

I have gotten quite good at changing lanes, u-turns, and abrupt exits.

As for driving in the city, it really isn’t that bad as long as you accept that every other vehicle is going to try to occupy your space and it’s your job to prevent them. If you get stuck behind a parked car and wait for someone to let you into the open lane you will wait forever. Is that aggression or desperation?

And by the way, I have become quite good at parking. I can get into any spot as long as it’s big enough to hold my car. Doormen have been known to applaud.

Whenever I am down on myself, I just remember that I am a girl from Dayton Ohio who can drive in NYC. Not a jock, just someone desperate enough to learn.

Maybe I should buy a GPS though.

Little Brown Jug

“So, Jim,” I said, “How did Ohio State do yesterday?”

“They won.”

“That's good. And Michigan?”

“They lost.”

“That's good for Ohio State.”

“It isn’t.”

“It isn’t?”

“No. You see, Michigan isn’t behaving like a powerhouse team.”

“Is that bad?”

“Yeah, it used to be that the Big Ten was made of the Big Two and the Little Eight, that's how strong Ohio State and Michigan were. Two great teams vying with each other every year created real excitement. Now it’s just the top one. The other 13 aren’t doing well at all.”

Oh no. Here we go again.

“Ok, the top 13 of the top ten is what you just said?”

“It’s not the Top Ten, it’s the BIG Ten. You’re totally mixed up.  All 14 teams have to be excellent. Really good.”

“Stop, I can’t handle all these numbers.”

“No, you wouldn't make a good accountant. I think we can agree on that. If Ohio State is to prevail in the great annual battle with Michigan, Michigan must be a worthy opponent.”

After a lengthy pause, “Who did Ohio State play? Some non Top Ten team?”

Not Top. It’s BIG Ten. And they played Cincinnati, which isn’t in the conference.

“Cincy isn’t a big or top enough of a school to take on a top state team like Ohio State.”

“This is a non-conference game. OSU tries to keep the money in the state. There are 12 games in a season and only eight need to be conference games, so they want to play with teams who don’t want them back.”

“Little Cincy rejects OSU and that's good?”

“Yeah, when OSU plays really big teams, they will demand OSU play a game the next year in their town and OSU would rather play in Columbus where their fans are. They can fill that 108,000 seat stadium any day there.”

“And poor Cincy is just grateful to play with the big guy in Columbus?”

“Something like that.  It's a good deal for Cincy.”

“Or at least a top game.”

Clears throat.  “They’re happy to get a nice paycheck and a block of four or five thousand seats. Those seats are worth their weight in gold in Columbus.”

“Top prices, huh?”

Clears throat a second time. “To get back to Michigan’s weakness, they even lost the Little Brown Jug.”

“OK, I’ll bite. What’s the little brown jug?”

“You don’t know the story of the Little Brown Jug?”

“No, I don't but I bet it won’t be for long.”

“Well, way back in 1903 when the Wolverines traveled to Minnesota to take on the Golden Gophers…”

“The golden what?”

“Michigan and Minnesota. The Wolverines and the Golden Gophers.”

“Never mind, go on.”

“As I was saying, both teams were major national powers. As it was a particularly important game, the Michigan equipment manager was afraid the Minnesota guys might mess with his team’s drinking water.  Those kinds of nasty things were common back then. Or maybe it was just that Minnesota water tasted funny. Remember how your grandma threw up every time she drank Dayton water? Anyway, the equipment manager brought water for his team in a brown jug. After they won the game, he forgot it and left the jug in Minnesota. When he asked to have it sent back, the Minnesota team said they would have to win it back. Thus the historic Little Brown Jug rivalry was born.

“But for decades, Minnesota has been a weak team. That jug is usually in Ann Arbor. It’s only been in Minnesota twice in the last 20 years. It’s expected. It’s really bad for OSU to have Michigan lose the Little Brown Jug. It makes ‘em look sad.  We don't want to just walk all over them like we walk all over Cincinnati. It must be a true victory.”

“Wow.  Big story. Or is it a top story?”

Why do I feel like I am talking to General Patton?

Enjoy

I just read a very funny article in the Times. I laughed out loud it was so funny. I am sure you would love it.

That's why I’m not sending it to you.

I’m doing you a favor.  I don't want to burden you with another email. Since I interpret  an email from a friend with a link as a command, I figure you do too.  ”Read Me,” it seems to scream. It’s from a friend. Courtesy demands a reading. If I don't read it or put off looking at it, the thing just sits there in my inbox reminding me that it is waiting to be read. This was fine back in the day. I liked getting jokes and cartoons and interesting articles from my friends. But nowadays I am getting way too many of them. I’m guessing you are too.

Yesterday I received 29 messages from the Democrats, 17 ads, three jokes, two links to You Tube and a bill from Lord and Taylor for $00. Why would they send me a bill for nothing? Just to remind me that I was bad last month and didn't buy anything from them?  I mean the whole thing is a kind of giant guilt trip. As a graduate of Catholic schools, I just can’t take the stress.

Or I get those icky ones about aging. I don't get many sexy jokes. I wonder why? But at least I am spared figuring out how to respond. What would I say? “Thanks Sally for that really blue story, I love jokes about aging fat bodies up to no good in nursing homes.” A benefit of having friends who were also schooled by nuns: We don't tell dirty jokes- often. Or at least where there will be a permanent record.

If I read the jokes and don't like them I lie and say how funny they were. If I ignore the message I feel bad about that too. Frequently I love the jokes but the tension when I see “This is great you’ll love it”, is just too much. And I get repeats of jokes I didn’t like in the first place.

When the senders say “Enjoy” I get really nervous, what if I don't? I childishly resent being told to enjoy. I remember my Dad saying “Taste this you’ll enjoy it.” I never did. Looking at his expectant face as he handed me a tasty bite of perfectly sautéed squid or octopus, I was able to pretend I enjoyed it except when I gagged.

I won’t go into why I recently got off Facebook. I don't want to share or be shared with anymore. I am very fond of my cousin Malcolm who lives in England, but how many pictures of his local soccer team do I need? Every once in a while there’s is a nice shot of his house or his dog even his wife, but mostly it’s that soccer team.

Nor do I want to be Linkedin. I seem to get endorsed by a lot of people. I love getting endorsed but don't quite get why.  Are they getting endorsed by me? At first I was pleased but now I realize I just don't get it. Why am I even on the darned thing? Because someone invited me to join. I can’t resist an invitation and I certainly endorse the idea of endorsing, but all this endorsing is beginning to feel more like an imposition than an endorsement.

So that’s why you aren’t getting that really hilarious article I just read.  

Sorry.

But then I’m not sending you this either.

Aren’t I a true friend?

ASPCV

                                                            ASPCV

To: Paula Thesing

c/o Blogspot.com

October 5, 2014

Dear Madam:

It has come to our attention that you have published a slanderous article attacking the vegetable kale. We demand that you remove said article from public view on your blog or anywhere else.

If you refuse to comply with this request, legal action will be taken.

Sincerely,

ASPCV

                                                                                                17 W. 16^th St.

                                                                                                New York, N.Y. 10011

Dear ASPCV:

I have just read your accusations and threats, which I fail to take seriously. By the way,

What does ASPCV stand for?

Yours truly,

Paula Thesing

Dear Madam:

Not too surprising that you haven’t heard of us. We are The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Vegetables.

Sincerely,

ASPCV

Dear ASPCV:

This is very funny. I can’t decide which of my friends is behind this. The Vegetable Police: I love it.

Yours,                         

P. Thesing

Madam:

There is no reason for levity. This exchange is beside the point. You are attempting to influence the public. The need for green leafy vegetables in our diet has been scientifically proven. It is a fact. We stand united in our determination to defend innocent vegetables from people like you who carelessly attack their rights to exist as life forces. We speak for the kale. Who else is going to?

We repeat, unless you comply, legal action will be taken.  You don't want to do that, do you?      

Urgently,

ASPCV

To ASPCV:

Maybe I do. I am entitled to my own opinion. I can say whatever I darn well please about any vegetable. What if I said I don't like liver? Would the meat police be after me? This is crazy. Whoever said vegetables had rights? Where’s it written in the constitution? Why am I arguing with you?

P. Thesing

Look Lady:

You can say whatever you want in private, but when you speak in a public forum you must be responsible for your statements. For your information, a case was brought against Paula Deen by the CACF for promoting the overuse of mayonnaise. Do you see her on TV anymore?

ASPCV

Hey ASPCV:

This is ridiculous! Paula Deen went off the air for being racist, not for the unhealthy cooking she pushed. I have to know, what does the CACF stand for?

                                                                                                P.T.

My Dear:

“Citizens Against the Consumption of Fat” of course. What rock have you been under?

ASPCV

Snide Vegetable Groupies:

Come on. I didn't tell anybody else not to eat kale. I just stated the fact that I think it stinks.

Mrs. Thesing to you

Madam:

There you go again! Have you no sense of restraint?

                                                                                                Protectors of Vegetables

Dear Protectors:

Actually, I am quite happy to receive your complaint because I truly believed no one read my blog outside of family and a few close friends who have blogs of their own.

Happy Blogger

Madam:

What do you expect with a provocative name like Heroine Addiction? You don't naively believe the DEA hasn’t been checking your posts too, do you?

                                                                                                Righteously,                                                                                                                            ASPCV

Veggie Nuts:

Aw come on guys, you are the first to respond to my blog. And you weren’t even nice enough to put it on the comments page. All I’ve wanted was a few comments.

Your friend,

Paula

Madam:

You do even know what DEA stands for?

ASPCV

Dear ASPCV:

DEA?  Don't Eat Animals?

                                                                                                Paula

Dear Smart mouth:

Come to your senses. You will have to hire lawyers to defend yourself against out suit. This could ruin you financially. Really all you have to do is remove that one silly post. You will be hearing from our lawyers.

                                                                                                ASPCV

Dear Veggie Loonies:

Wow, I always hoped someone out there was reading my blog.

Please, please sue me. It's the best publicity I could hope for.

P

Madam:

Our lawyers will be in contact.

                                                                                                ASPCV

Nutcakes:

Send them in. Meanwhile with all the people who will now be reading my blog I will take on other hateful vegetables. I will tell the truth about those Brussels sprouts little children have been forced to eat down through the centuries. And lima beans and Swiss chard! Mustard greens be damned.  I can hardly wait. Thanks to you and your crazy lawsuit I have finally discovered my life’s purpose. Inedible vegetables and those who force them down the throats of the innocent eaters beware. I am ready to defend my right to hate them to my last dish of peas.

                                                                                                Thankfully,

                                                                                                Paula Thesing